In my last post about conflict between parents and adult children I introduced the concept of identifying and changing the power dynamic within the relationship. When children are young, parents tend to have all or most of the power – they are in charge. As children become adults, this power dynamic will need to shift. What could possibly go wrong?!
What Is Power?
Power can be defined in many different ways. I tend to think of it as the ability to make decisions for ourselves and/or for other people. These decisions may be shared with others and will have consequences for which the person or persons making the decision are at least partly responsible. As such, with power comes responsibility. Using power effectively can be validating for those who hold it as well as providing a sense of purpose and freedom to choose. However, having power (especially over others) is also open to abuse. And once we get used to having power, many of us are reluctant to let go of it.
When And How To Hand Over Power
Problems can arise when parents hand over too much power to their children when they might not be sufficiently mature or experienced enough in life to deal with it. Or, as is most often the case when unhealthy conflict occurs, parents do not give enough power to their maturing children. This can happen when the ‘children’ are either young adults attempting to build up resilience by learning to rely on themselves or perhaps they are older adults who might want to change the way a family operates. For example, there might be inter-generational conflict over how celebrations such as weddings are organised.
Power Dynamics In Later Life
A major pinch point in the handing over of power within families can frequently occur in later life when parents (or other relatives) become elderly and/or infirm. Bearing in mind that nobody much enjoys handing over power, tempers may flare if adult children push too hard to take over the decision-making in an older parent’s life, especially if it is not yet necessary. Conversely, a parent may rigidly insist on retaining the same level of power and/or status within the family regardless of the upset or additional hassle this might cause their grown-up children. Examples of situations where it might be appropriate for a parent to hand over power but they choose not to include:
- refusing essential professional care at home (whilst expecting or necessitating adult children to drop everything and rush over in an emergency)
- ignoring others’ concerns over continuing to drive when it is becoming unsafe
- blocking attempts to talk about ‘tricky’ subjects like personal finances
- taking unnecessary risks such as climbing ladders or leaving the back door unlocked at night
- refusing to share decision-making within a family business.
When to stop driving can be a particularly fraught decision. For many older people, being able to drive represents freedom and independence. If this is taken away, they may find themselves isolated at home or dependent on others for eg a social life, shopping and hobbies. But what if our driving skills are no longer sharp enough? If we are someone for whom giving up control is difficult we may struggle to listen to our adult children when they share their concern about our safety out on the roads. As adult children we can empathise with this loss of power, independence and freedom whilst at the same time addressing the responsibility we all have to other road users.
How Might Counselling Or Psychotherapy Help?
Whether we are a parent or an adult child, counselling or psychotherapy provides a safe space in which to step back and reflect on what might be causing distressing conflict within the family. With the help of a skilled an experienced therapist we can explore how to make sense of what is going on and what we might do to improve or repair the situation. This is especially important if conflict is escalating or has led to estrangement. As parents, we may need to consider that although passing on the baton of power to our adult children may feel like a loss to us personally, the benefit to the whole family and our relationship with each member may be very great. For adult children, we may need to respectfully stand our ground with our parents and accept the responsibility that comes with the power to make decisions for ourselves and for others.
Copyright Caroline Clarke, Private Practice Psychotherapy and Counselling in Brighton and Hove, Sussex.
Photo by Zach Lucero on Unsplash
