I am often approached for help from parents experiencing conflict with their adult children. Difficulties between the generations can arise at any time. However, one of the most significant pinch points seems to be when young people are – or could be – breaking away from their first family and going out into the adult world of independence and personal responsibility. How might psychotherapy or counselling help?
Tasks For Young Adults
Learning to stand on our own two feet in the world has never been easy. As young adults we are often trying to work out who we are and what we want from life. In a western society we might be expected to:
- decide upon a career or trade and begin to learn new skills
- become financially independent
- find somewhere to live and maybe other people to live with
- take on the responsibility for our own health and well-being
- find a partner
- work in a family business
- care for young, sick or elderly relatives.
– and for some:
These are big and sometimes scary tasks to take on at any age but can be even more difficult when we are young and inexperienced in life. In addition, in early adulthood (late teens until mid to late twenties) our brains are still maturing; at this life stage it is normal for young people to be impulsive and to struggle to plan, prioritise and imagine the longer term consequences of their actions for themselves and others.
Tasks For Parents
Essentially, parents of young adults might need to step away from some of the tasks listed above. This does not mean that we turn our backs on our children and withdraw all or most of our emotional, practical or financial support. However, we may put in limits as to how long we might, say, offer low rent accommodation (complete with hotel-style service), research job opportunities, organise routine medical appointments and so on. Usually, as a parent, stepping back a little from our adult children’s lives can lead to:
- tolerating protest from our grown-up children in the form of anger or anxiety
- struggles with our own feelings of guilt at not doing more or doing what other parents might be doing
- tolerating standing by whilst our children make and repair non-catastrophic mistakes that could have been avoided
- fear of losing our offspring’s love or damaging the relationship forever.
Parents of young adults are most often in mid-life. At the same time as their grown-up children are finding their feet in the world, they too may be facing a range of different challenges such as:
- ill health
- for mothers, symptoms associated with menopause
- depression or anxiety
- relationship difficulties and divorce
- financial worries
- caring for elderly relatives.
Setting new boundaries with our adult children can be challenging. And it is virtually inevitable that we will, at times, make mistakes (sometimes big ones) or lose control over our own emotions in the process. This might be a time when non-judgmental support from other family members, friends and/or from therapy can make a significant difference to how necessary change comes about in the least damaging way.
Outside Influences
Difficulties within families do not take place in a vacuum. Over the last few years in particular, as a society we have all in some way faced threats and frustrations that have added to anxiety around change, responsibility and identity. Such external influences might include:
- the impact of the Covid19 pandemic and series of lockdowns
- world instability and war
- the threat of climate change
- pressure to be or look a certain way from e.g. social media
- rising cost of living
- housing shortages.
How Can Psychotherapy And Counselling Help?
All families are unique and they frequently come under pressure when change is necessary. This pressure might intensify when change is needed but something is stopping it from happening. An exploration of what is going on and what we as either a parent or a young person bring to the party can be useful – the more we understand, the more likely we are able to adapt to a new family equilibrium. Therapy provides a safe and supportive space in which to do this. Often, it is a chance to stand back, take stock and be open to different ways of being together.
One aspect of transition and separation not covered above is a rebalancing of the power dynamic within the family. I intend to cover this in Part 2 of this post on the subject of conflict between parents and adult children.
Copyright Caroline Clarke, Private Practice Psychotherapy and Counselling in Brighton and Hove, Sussex.
