Estrangement: Will I Be Judged?

'My friends wouldn't understand!' is a phrase I often hear when working with people who are estranged from a parent, adult child or other family member. And these fears may be very real; there continues to be stigma attached to both those of us who have removed ourselves from our family and those of us who have been rejected by them. How might therapy help?

Blood Is Thicker Than Water?

There seems to be an expectation in our society that families should get along and if for any reason they do not then somebody must be to blame. Rifts that are not repaired seem to come in for particular criticism. In reality, estrangement presents as a lot more complex than what it appears from the outside. Factors that take their toll on family relationships might include:

• old hurts and assumptions

• clashing personalities

• power imbalances

• illness or trauma

• poverty

• and fame.

As I write this post, a very public story of a family rift and potential estrangement is raging in the news. Brooklyn Peltz-Beckham has levelled a number of angry accusations at his parents, David and Victoria Beckham. And, inevitably, there has been judgement of all parties on social media. Mostly, I presume, by people who have no connection to the family whatsoever. I feel very sad for everyone involved.

I've Got Nobody To Talk To

When we are estranged from a family member - whether it be down to our own choosing or not - many of us are reluctant to talk about the situation with friends. There is often a very real fear that others won't understand and that we will be seen in a 'bad light' by people who matter to us, even to the point where we might lose friendships.

Shame often goes hand in hand with estrangement. If we fear the disapproval of others, we may decide to keep our feelings to ourselves. This might well protect us from judgement, but at the same time may leave us isolated from support or crucial feedback about our own behaviour.

Most of us will have an idea who within a circle of friends might be the best person or people to share our story with as not everyone will 'get it'. This is especially so for people who enjoy good family relationships themselves. And, of course, we have complete control over what we tell others and how much we decide to keep private.

How Might Therapy Help?

If we are feeling very alone dealing with estrangement, therapy can provide a safe and supportive space in which to try and make sense of what is going on and think about what can be done to either repair a rift or come to terms with it.

Armed with a better understanding of our own unique situation, we may feel more able to share our thoughts and feelings with certain trusted friends where the risk of judgement might be less. We may also find ourselves more able to tolerate judgement from others since harsh criticism often says much more about the person giving it than it does about the person to whom it is aimed.

Caroline Clarke - UKCP-reg Psychotherapist. Therapy for estrangement in Brighton and Hove.

Enquire about therapy with me via my Contact page.

Photo courtesy of Sharad Bhat on Unsplash