Estrangement

Estrangement can be a messy business. No matter how hard we try to keep ourselves safe or find out what is wrong, the distance between us and one or several family members remains. And on top of that, we may be dealing with our own feelings of guilt, shame or  frustration.  How might psychotherapy or counselling help?

What Is Estrangement?

Estrangement can be defined as a prolonged period of distance within families (or friendship groups) often as a result of conflict of some sort. Such situations are usually characterised by little or no meaningful communication. Mostly, there are two parties involved; one person or group of people who are on the receiving end of a family member’s rage, silence or indifference, as well as one person or group of people who are removing themselves from what they experience as a toxic relationship.

Horses And Water

If we have not chosen estrangement and would like to reconnect with the person or people from whom we feel cut off, accepting a rift can be particularly challenging.

We are probably all familiar with the old adage that ‘we can lead a horse to water but we can’t make it drink’. In other words, there’s only so much we can do to influence another person. If the other party doesn’t want to resume communication with us (or at least not yet…) we can’t make them. Accepting this might be difficult. Working with people with these sorts of family problems, I have noticed that some factors can make acceptance of a situation that we can’t change particularly hard. For example, we might be someone who:

·         has a strong need to be liked

·         finds conflict anxiety-provoking

·         struggles to tolerate emotional distance

·         likes to resolve problems quickly.

Old Hurts

If we have chosen estrangement, we might feel the need to distance ourselves from a family dynamic that might be painful for us to experience or potentially, for others, e.g. to protect our children. Very often this will be down to old hurts that might be unspoken, unprocessed and maybe even not directly related to the current conflict.

Of course, in certain circumstances, there may be very real risks to remaining in contact with family members who might be volatile, hold markedly different values, or who threaten our safety in some way.

At the same time, it is possible that by cutting ourselves off from our families we might e.g. deny our children the opportunity to have relationships and receive support from grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and family friends.

How Might Therapy Help?

All families are unique. When we are on the receiving end of estrangement, we may feel confused, distressed and a sense of powerlessness. And if we have distanced ourselves there may be similar feelings of distress or mourning but also of relief. Talking with a trained and experienced therapist can lead to a greater understanding of our situation and help us process our emotions. There will also be space to explore how or whether we might go about reconnecting with family or accepting the situation as it is – at least for now.

For more information or to arrange an initial consultation, please send me a message via my Contact page.

Caroline Clarke MSc (Psychotherapy) - estrangement therapy Brighton and online.

Photo by Mona Eendra on Unsplash