Are You Giving Your Power Away?

Whatever our circumstances, we all need to feel that we have some control over how we are treated by others. To do this we might need to tap into our own sense of feeling powerful enough to protect ourselves from harm whilst out in the world. Some of us, however, might be unintentionally handing our power away. How might therapy help?

Power Over Versus Power Within

Power can be defined in two quite different ways. 'Power over' refers to the power or control we have over other people. This could be as a parent, a boss or a person in authority such as a police officer. The type of power that is over others might involve (hopefully...) responsibility, leadership and humility. And, of course, 'power over' is also open to abuse.

'Power within' is a different sort of power altogether. Power within refers to our own inner sense of strength to stand up for ourselves (and others who might be more vulnerable than we are) and to find the courage to do what we think is right. This post refers to our personal 'power within'.

Handing Over Our Power

There are ways that we can inadvertently hand over our power in relationship. Whilst this might never be a great idea, some times it matters more than others. If we hand over our power to someone who is generally decent and whom we can trust, chances are that nothing too bad will happen. If, however, we hand over our power to someone who mostly derives their own sense of self-worth from feeling superior to others, we might end up getting hurt - sometimes seriously.

Ways we can unwittingly hand over our power might include:

• failing to set clear and consistent boundaries with other people

• not following through with consequences when we have set boundaries

• over-sharing our feelings, sensitivities and vulnerabilities with people who haven't yet earned our trust

• people-pleasing.

Many of us have been in circumstances where we might look back and wish that maybe we had stood our ground with someone earlier or not trusted them quite so much with our innermost thoughts and feelings. I know I have! When faced with someone whose self-esteem is largely based on how they see themselves in comparison to others (i.e. better than or worse than), we might need to be extra careful not to inadvertently hand over our own power in case it is used against us at a later date.

If we have given too much of our power away to the 'wrong' person or people, we might open ourselves up to e.g.

• regularly going along with arrangements or situations that don't suit us

• being run down, teased or ostracised - especially in company

• being deliberately asked about personal subjects that the other knows will cause emotional discomfort

• having lies spread about us.

How Might Therapy Help?

Strategies for trusting others and setting clear boundaries are often crucial to achieving a good sense of self-worth as well as healthy relationships with family, friends and colleagues. They can also help us remove ourselves from a 'toxic relationship' that is doing us harm.

If you suspect yourself of sometimes giving your power away, therapy can provide the safe and boundaried space in which to explore what is going on and think about how to put in new measures that provide both protection from harm and let trusted others closer.

Copyright: Caroline Clarke, UKCP-registered Psychotherapist. Relationship therapy in Brighton and online.

Image courtesy of Elianna Gill on Unsplash