How To Talk To A Defensive Person

How do we challenge someone who habitually blocks all challenge? Maybe we try to tell our partner (or someone important to us) that an aspect of their behaviour is becoming a problem and are met with dismissal or angry accusations that we are being critical and aggressive. How might we go about breaking such a stalemate?

Understanding The Defensive Position

When we find ourselves in a difficult place it is not always easy to respond to challenge from another person (especially someone who matters) in a rational way. We might feel under attack or that our challenger is trying to control what we say or do. Perceived criticism is seldom welcome but there are also times when our behaviour is causing distress or frustration to others - regardless of whether that is our intention. When we block even talking through such clashes in needs, we risk building up the kind of resentment that can chip away at the foundations of an important relationship. What would make it easier for us to hear the other person's point of view?

Tips For A Successful Challenge

Here are a few ideas for how to approach someone who has a tendency to be defensive when we challenge their behaviour. This might be out of concern for their welfare or because what they are doing is having a detrimental effect on our own or other people's lives:

• ask questions. This is relatively easy to do. We can be curious about how someone is feeling or what brings them to certain conclusions.

• talk about talking. In therapy jargon this is called meta-communication. Essentially, rather than talking about the fact that we are frustrated by a specific aspect of someone's behaviour, we talk about how difficult it is to talk to them about emotive subjects in general and what happens when we do.

• keep it short. Droning on about something is likely to be a big turn-off for the other person.

• try to stay calm. Our message will be clearer if we can regulate our own emotions whilst delivering it. Not always easy...

• be respectful. Try to remain mindful of different needs, perspectives and sensitivities.

How Might Therapy Help?

Many problems can be overcome with the support of family and friends. Therapy may be another option - a safe space in which to explore how we might go about improving relationships with the important people in our lives. If we find tolerating conflict and challenging others difficult, a skilled therapist can provide unbiased help in making sense of our own unique experience as well as support and encouragement for any changes we might decide to make.

Postscript:

For more thoughts on this subject, see my later post 'How To Talk To A Defensive Person - Part 2'.

Copyright: Caroline Clarke, individual or joint relationship counselling and psychotherapy in Brighton & Hove and online.

This is an updated version of a post published on this blog in February 2014.

Image courtesy of foto76 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net