Therapy for Managing Expectations

Managing expectations seems such a simple phrase; and yet as a task it can often be so difficult to do. In life we are required to navigate our own expectations of ourselves, our expectations of other people and - perhaps crucially - other people's expectations of us.

How might therapy help?

'How Can I Stop Feeling Guilty All The Time?'

If our expectations of ourselves are too high we may end up feeling ashamed and guilty when we repeatedly don't meet them. Maybe we have a tendency to beat ourselves up if we are unable to maintain certain standards. Unnecessary guilt can seriously get in our way when it comes to having adventures and enjoying life.

'How Can I Motivate Myself?'

If our expectations of ourselves are too low, we may find it difficult to get out in the world, make good connections with others and live our lives to the full. If we are not careful, life and opportunity can pass us by.

'Why Are Other People So Flaky?'

If our own expectations of other people are too high we may feel constantly disappointed and frustrated. We may also find that people drift away from us if we put pressure on them to give to us as much as we would give to them. As a parent, our high expectations of others may put undue pressure on our children to take a particular path in life (e.g. a career) that they have not chosen for themselves.

'How Can I Stop People-pleasing?'

If our expectations of other people are too low, we may exhaust ourselves by giving away too much of our (precious and limited) time and energy, people-pleasing and neglecting our own needs. As a parent, our low expectations of others may inadvertently prevent our children from building life experience, resilience and trust in themselves.

'Why Do I Feel So Resentful?'

If other people's expectations of us are too high we might start to feel resentful and irritated. Maybe a friend or family member would like more from us than we are prepared to give and their requests for our time may tip over into hassling as our attempts to say 'no' are ignored. Here, we may find that setting clear and concise boundaries can help us compromise appropriately whilst all the time maintaining what may be an important relationship.

'Why Do I Avoid Taking Responsibility?'

If other people's expectations of us are - or have been - too low, we may find ourselves wondering what they want from us or a creeping sense of imbalance in relationships. If we have allowed someone else to do too much for us we may suddenly find ourselves struggling to deal with life's challenges when they are not around.

How Might Therapy Help ?

Adopting realistic expectations of ourselves and other people is, in my experience, a craft that can be honed. Often, our bodies will give us clues - in the form of feelings - as to when or with whom we might need to make changes.

Before I trained to be a psychotherapist I didn't pay too much attention to what my body was trying to tell me; I did a lot of thinking but not a lot of listening to my feelings. As a result, I tended to either miss the moment (too busy trying to find a solution to a problem that didn't have a solution!) or I would blindly react to certain situations rather than at least attempt to respond from a place of balance and maturity.

A good therapist can help us learn to listen to our body and support us as we experiment with responding to people and situations in ways that serve us better. We may want to learn how to prioritise our own needs (at least some of the time and without guilt), set new boundaries or challenge an existing power dynamic. Conversely, we might want to learn how to step back and make room for others to shine or do things differently.

Caroline Clarke, MSc Psychotherapy, UKCP-registered psychotherapist and counsellor in Brighton & Hove and online.

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Photo by Reza Madani; courtesy of Unsplash