Therapy For Jealousy

Jealousy doesn't get great press. And yet, it is likely to be a feeling that we have all been familiar with at some point in our lives. For me, jealousy is relational; it pops up when we compare ourselves to others or others compare themselves to us. It can also do great damage to family relationships, to friendships and in the workplace. How might therapy help?

The Origins of Jealousy - Comparisons

It is virtually impossible not to compare ourselves to others at least some of the time. Sometimes such comparisons can spur us on to make changes in our own lives for the better; we probably all need a little healthy competition. And at other times, we may simply be consumed with jealousy towards the other person.

Sibling rivalry can be a case in point. We may feel that we have been treated differently by our parents, that a brother or a sister has received a larger slice of the family pie, or that as a child we felt less loved when a new sibling arrived on the scene.

What We Do With Our Own Jealousy

In my experience, jealousy is often expressed as anger. We may verbally attack the person we are jealous of or maybe we choose passive aggression, undermining them in small and subtle ways (those little innocuous digs...). Knocking the other person down might make us feel better about ourselves but is not necessarily the most healthy way to build self-esteem or tap into our power within.

Fleeting jealousy that we acknowledge and move on from will probably not do us too much harm. We can't help what we feel, only how we respond to those feelings. However, jealousy towards others (or, say, a particular person) that becomes a preoccupation is likely to sap the joy out of our lives and damage relationships with those around us.

Not Everybody Has Our Best Interests At Heart

Very often, we might not even realise that someone is jealous of us. Maybe we can't work out why a particular friend or family member is angry with us; no matter how hard we try, how kind we are and so on, this other person knocks us down, makes fun of us or glares at us with contempt. In fact, the more we try to connect or understand the situation the worse it seems to get.

If we suspect that someone is jealous of us, we might be more careful as to how much of ourselves we share with them. I call this 'avoiding giving the other ammunition'. For example, we might decide to share our excitement about an upcoming holiday with someone who will be pleased for us rather than someone who might be envious. The same goes for divulging personal information. If we tell a person who is jealous of us that, for example, we are worried about our child's behaviour, they may take the opportunity to shame us about it in front of others. As a result, they can feel superior and we feel horribly exposed.

How Might Therapy Help?

If we are feeling jealous, it can lead to resentment and make us miserable or ashamed. And if we are on the receiving end of jealousy it can leave us feeling bewildered and powerless. Therapy can provide a safe and supportive space in which to make sense of what is going on and to explore better ways of dealing with the discomfort or distress.

For example, a skilled and experienced practitioner might help identify what is missing in our own lives that could be driving our feelings of jealousy towards others. Or maybe our own personal boundaries (what we will tolerate in someone else's behaviour and what we will not) need adjusting - or voicing differently - to protect us more fully from the jealousy of others.

Caroline Clarke, MSc Psychotherapy, UKCP-registered psychotherapist and counsellor; relationship therapy in Brighton and Hove and online.

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