Ruminating On Past Mistakes

Repetitive negative self-talk re past actions that have caused us acute embarrassment or hurt the feelings of others can have a major detrimental impact on both our mental and physical health. We might torture ourselves and feel ashamed of who we are and how we behaved long after such events are over. How might psychotherapy and counselling help?

Patterns of Rumination

Lying in bed at night we turn over and over in our minds how we might have irreparably upset someone who matters to us, behaved inappropriately, or broken some social 'rule' or other. These things might have happened the day before or decades ago. Instead of gently winding down for sleep, we find ourselves feeling agitated and alert as our bodies flood with adrenaline and cortisol in response to calamitous and shameful thoughts about having 'got something wrong'.

Tired and irritable, the next day there is a negative knock-on effect on our ability to function well, thus adding to general stress levels and chipping away at our sense of self-worth. As a result, we find ourselves using up a large proportion of our limited emotional energy worrying about things from the past that we might not be able to change, atone for or, if they involved others, have long been forgotten.

Roots Of Rumination

In my experience of talking to people about the impact of rumination on well-being and an ability to enjoy life, there is usually a perfectly understandable reason hiding behind what on the face of it seems like a damaging attempt to keep ourselves feeling safe. These reasons might include having:

• a tendency towards perfectionism

• a fear of abandonment or not belonging

• very high expectations of ourselves and also of others

• a highly empathic mind that makes it hard to focus on the most likely scenario

• low self-esteem.

How Might Therapy Help?

It is generally accepted that finding a moment to reflect on our own behaviour and how it might impact other people is a good thing. However, when we frequently do this at length and mostly alone in our own heads, we may end up with a very narrow - perhaps unrealistic - perspective on what has actually occurred.

An effective therapeutic relationship provides a safe and accepting space in which to consider how ruminating over past mistakes might be impacting our general health and to explore what we can do to release ourselves from an exhausting cycle of repeated self-criticism. Together we can search for what lies behind a habit of excessive rumination and challenge the assumptions we might be making about how to successfully navigate the world.

We might always be someone with a tendency to ruminate, however sharing our fears with a skilled and trusted therapist can lessen the negative impact on our bodies, how we feel about ourselves and our relationships with important others.

Caroline Clarke: Brighton psychotherapist, MSc Psychotherapy, UKCP-registered. Therapy for anxiety, rumination and intrusive, obsessive thoughts in Brighton and online.

Image courtesy of Alessandro Caretto on Unsplash