Should I Go No Contact?

Where there is conflict within a family - maybe between an adult child and their parent or between adult siblings - stopping all communication can feel like the only way to resolve on-going disagreements or painful feelings. This post examines the pros and cons of going 'no contact' as well as how therapy might help if we are considering making such a decision or are on the receiving end of it.

The Advantages Of Going No Contact

In my experience of working with people in conflict with family members, there are certainly some situations which merit going no contact. For instance, if maintaining communication is unsafe due to serious abuse or behaviours (e.g. relating to chronic addiction or severe mental illness) that are causing harm.

We might also resort to short bursts of clearly communicated no contact if spending time together has become unbearably tense or upsetting. If we are the person ceasing communication, temporary distance can bring relief from frustration and a sense of freedom to set our own boundaries and make our own decisions.

The Disadvantages of Going No Contact

Switching off all contact with a family member is a major decision. In my experience of working with people both making and on the receiving end of such a choice, a significant disadvantage is that it is harder to come back from than, say, reduced or different contact. Once communication has completely broken down there is little to build on if the party choosing no contact decides they would like to reconnect.

Also, estrangement has an impact on a much wider circle of family members than maybe the few who might be in actual conflict. For example, if we have chosen no contact, our children (or future children, or our siblings' children) may, in particular, miss out on relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and so on. These can be major gaps in children's lives.

If we are the person choosing to go no contact, as our children grow up, they may feel that we have deprived them of love and support from their extended family. Also, if we model that conflict (excluding the kind that involves abuse) can only be managed through estrangement, one day our adult children may turn around and choose to distance from us.

How Might Therapy Help?

It is a normal developmental stage for young adult children to break away from their family of origin, do their own thing, find out who they are and maybe start to build a family of their own. Parents can often feel rejected and redundant during this typically messy process.

As adult children, our task in the safety of therapy may be to explore how to 'separate well' from our first family in what might feel like an uncertain and fast-moving world. For parents of adult children, we may need to think about how best to step back, communicate differently and manage our own feelings of hurt or anger. Our task as siblings in conflict may be to explore how (or whether it is possible) to build a new relationship that is not stuck in old childhood patterns of relating that are not serving us well.

To conclude, sometimes no contact is necessary but most often what is required is different contact where the balance of power in a relationship is allowed to adjust to new ways of being together.

Copyright, Caroline Clarke: MSc Psychotherapy, UKCP registered psychotherapist. Family communication difficulties and estrangement therapy in-person in Brighton (pairs of adults or individuals) and online (individuals only).

Please see my current availability and fees. And contact me here for further information.

Photo courtesy of Lucut Razvan on Unsplash.