Estrangement: Should I Write A Letter?

'Should I write a letter?' is a question I am often asked when working with people who have become estranged from a family member. Maybe phones calls are not answered or returned; messages not read or responded to. If we are desperate to re-establish communication, writing a letter might seem like our only option. How might therapy help?

Advantages Of Writing Things Down

Whatever we bring to therapy, jotting down a sentence or two describing our thoughts and feelings after each session can be a useful habit to adopt. Just a few words can act as an aide-memoire for the following week as well as helping us to see how the assumptions we make about ourselves, other people and life in general might change over time.

Where there is estrangement, it can be useful to write down a timeline as to how a rift might have occurred and how we and others (from our own and perhaps different, imagined perspectives) might have contributed to a breakdown in communication. Getting such reflections off our chest and seeing them written down in black and white can help us make sense of what might be a complex and emotionally painful situation.

I often suggest leaving written thoughts to marinate for a couple of weeks before returning to them. Maybe we will notice e.g. contradictions, gaps in understanding or a shift in the way we feel about someone or something.

Should I Send A Letter?

Whether or not to send a letter to someone from whom we are estranged can be a difficult call. In my mind, the short answer would be a (rather unhelpful!) 'it depends'. If our aim is to reconnect, a letter that is concise, considered and balanced may help to restart communication. However, if we simply pour out our own hurt in a hastily written long list of shaming accusations, we may well push the other person still further away.

A potential risk of sending a letter (paper or email) to someone from whom we are estranged is that once a written communication is out there we lose control over how it might be received or how it might be shared with others. This would be in contrast to an unrecorded phone call or a face-to-face meeting. In addition, we might have no way of knowing the other person's circumstances when the letter lands on their doormat; i.e. what is going on in their life or how they are feeling in response to our words in the moment. And finally, thoughts that are written down can have a long life. A letter might be kept by the recipient and even repeatedly referred back to. Whereas, it could be that over time we change our mind about the points we make in it.

How Might Therapy Help?

Therapy can provide a safe and supportive space in which to make sense of an estrangement situation and, if desired, consider the best way to go about reaching out. There are no guarantees of a positive response, but inviting the other to reconnect in a thoughtful and mutually respectful way might start to break a stalemate.

Depending on the individual circumstances, it might prove helpful to use some therapy sessions to compose a letter to someone from whom we are estranged. This would be done in conjunction with the therapist who, not being directly involved, can provide unbiased feedback on what we might want to say and how we go about saying it.

Caroline Clarke: MSc Psychotherapy, UKCP registered psychotherapist. Family difficulties and estrangement therapy in Brighton and online.

Photo courtesy of Hannah Olinger on Unsplash.