Therapy For Needing To Be Liked

Most of us enjoy the feeling of being liked by others. We might get a sense of validation, security and - hopefully - freedom to be who we want to be. Sometimes, however, an over-enthusiastic need to be liked can get in the way of making healthy connections with other people as well as making good use of our own emotional energy. How might therapy help?

An Instinctive Need To Belong

At a deep instinctive level, we as human beings know that we need each other to both survive and flourish. Like it or not, we will all have times in our lives when we feel vulnerable and in need of care from others. This might be when we are children, when we are sick, anxious or far from home and as we enter late adulthood.

Feeling that we belong in a group, that others are around to support us if we need them, can give us a sense of stability, reassurance and well-being. And, feeling part of such a group can work both ways - we may get pleasure and a sense of purpose from supporting others where we can.

In short, feeling liked and likeable is a good thing.

When A Need To Be Liked Takes Over

A very common trap to fall into regarding feeling accepted by other people is expecting just about everybody we meet to like us. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't like everyone and I know not everyone likes me! However, I try not to lose too much sleep over this. As long as a few, key people like me then that is more than good enough.

If we are in possession of a need to be liked that is a little on the high side, we may find ourselves using up precious and finite emotional energy ruminating about exchanges with other people that have gone wrong or where we pick up that they are not enjoying our company (see my post Ruminating On Past Mistakes for more on this). Perhaps we encounter someone with whom we would like to connect and they appear to reject us, are disinterested or dismissive of our views and interests. And if our need to be liked - by just about everyone - is high, we may find this troubling or even unbearable.

How Might Therapy Help?

A good therapist will be skilled in providing a safe space in which to explore whether our need to be liked by others is leading to heightened anxiety, an inability to say 'no' when we could say 'yes' or excessive rumination. Therapy provides an opportunity to discover the just-out-of-awareness assumptions we might be making about ourselves e.g. whether or not we are a likeable person. We might also discover that, in our efforts to connect, we are inadvertently putting other people off.

These are the kinds of difficulties that can be made sense of and challenged in therapy. We might explore the drivers behind a need to be liked by a particular group of people. Or perhaps we might consider tolerating some individuals not liking us without assuming that this is due to some major character flaw of our own; or that not being liked by certain others will somehow be catastrophic.

Armed with a different set of assumptions as to who we are and how we might want to respond to others, life can become 'lighter' with more room for fun and spending time with people whose company we really enjoy.

Copyright, Caroline Clarke: MSc Psychotherapy, UKCP registered psychotherapist. Therapy for communication difficulties, anxiety and estrangement in Brighton (pairs of adults or individuals) and online (individuals only) since 2011.

Please see my current availability and fees. And contact me here for further information or to book an initial consultation.

Photo courtesy of Donovan Grabowski on Unsplash.