Relationships

What happens to us when we are repeatedly 'not heard' by important others? From a child's perspective, I can imagine feeling misunderstood, unseen, dismissed and - eventually - angry. In adulthood, there might then be a danger that this old anger may get in the way of us feeling heard by the people who are closest to us now. What Does Not Hearing Sound Like? I recently came across a thought-provoking article entitled Emotions Are Not Bad Behaviour written by the Sydney-bas

An old friend of mine had a habit of marching into my home and making the tea whenever she came to visit. Without so much as a by-your-leave, she would rifle through my kitchen cupboards while I stood in the doorway privately fuming. I'm sure her intentions were good - she wanted to be helpful and kind. I, however, ended up feeling taken over, intruded on and uncomfortably redundant.   From my perspective, her actions took away a small pleasure for me to be the host to a fri

I frequently come across examples of how unprocessed feelings associated with a distressing event or circumstances are passed down...

Most parents go through some tough times when their children move into young adulthood. The family system is put under pressure to accommodate shifts in responsibilities and authority - and such changes, although necessary, can be painful. Usually, a new equilibrium is found that everyone can live with. Sometimes, however, difficulties persist and the relationship between parent and adult child becomes strained and stuck. What can be done? Does Something Need To Change? If t

I often work with people who come for help dealing with a 'difficult' mother. Many find themselves stuck in an unsatisfactory relationship with their mother and although they might feel a close connection to her - often involving strong feelings - it is not the kind of close connection that they would like. As adults, most of us manage to negotiate a relationship with our mothers which is good enough. Over time, the dynamic between us will ebb and flow and there might be p

How To Talk To A Defensive Person has proved to be the most popular post on this blog. Finding a way to have important conversations with someone who fends off all advances appears to be a subject which touches hearts and minds across all cultures; it's not just a British thing! I've been wondering what leads human beings to become defensive and whether talking about that defensiveness can open up new ways to face the world. Defensiveness As Protection We all get defensive s

In 1968, Stephen Karpman first referred to the Drama Triangle model as a means of describing and analysing human interaction. Karpman's...

Perhaps you know someone who is going through a tough time . You're worried about them and think they could do with some support. You...

Shame. There, I said it . Shame feels horrible. I think of a hot, creeping sensation that sweeps over the body, starting in the face and...

If you were to approach me for help with excessive expression of anger , I would assume you already know that your relationships and / or...

Ever find yourself thinking 'I have no choice' or 'I couldn't say no'? These are phrases I hear very frequently when people talk to me...

When we are going through a difficult time in our lives we often turn to those closest to us for comfort and advice. Talking to friends...

Authenticity is a term that is often bandied around by counsellors and psychotherapists as something worth having. But just what does it mean in the context of counselling and psychotherapy and what are the implications of trying to get it?   Defining Authenticity For me, authenticity involves being true to one's own beliefs, values and feelings. It is about acting as one's own person rather than following conventions and cultural norms that may on the one hand feel comforta

Attachment theory is an attempt to explain differences  in the dynamics of long-term human relationships based on how an infant connects...

All exchanges involving two sides have rules , even if they are unwritten. When we negotiate (argue...) with our partners there will also be rules and there is one simple one which is often overlooked but that can have a real impact on how we resolve our differences. Arguments have a tendency to go round and round. Sometimes  we find ourselves in the frustrating position of being unable to reach any sort of agreement - things just get more and more heated until one or other o

I've realised that I've been avoiding writing an article about avoiding conflict. I mentioned writing about this subject months ago (see...

What is it with mothers and daughters? Why does this particular relationship so often appear complicated and full of misunderstanding, resentment and emotional pain - especially at the time when young women begin to struggle for independence from their family-of-origin? I'm not even going to attempt to answer these questions, but here are a few thoughts on the subject that might spark some debate.   Recently, I have discovered the American writer, Elizabeth Strout. I read a

In this post I aim to give you an overview of what to expect when you come to me for relationship counselling in Brighton and Hove. All counsellors and psychotherapists have their own unique way of working and whatever their approach, it will suit some people and not others. I like to give my clients an idea of how I work before they come to see me for the first time. Working with me as a couple is often insightful, difficult, frustrating, surprising and humbling (for all t

Ever thought to yourself as you argue with your partner - "here we go again, same old, same old"? Perhaps you've got stuck in a downward...

If, as children, we felt repeatedly hurt , humiliated, abandoned, suffocated or ignored by someone close to us and on whom we depended...