All Posts

"But when one does not complain , and when one wants to master oneself with a tyrant’s grip — one’s faculties rise in revolt — and one pays for outward calm with an almost unbearable inner struggle." Letter from Charlotte Brontë to Professor Constantin Heger, 1845. Common Physical Expressions of Emotion In everyday life, bodily expressions of emotion are common and accepted. If we are sad, we might cry; if we are embarrassed or ashamed, we might blush; if we are afraid, our

An old friend of mine had a habit of marching into my home and making the tea whenever she came to visit. Without so much as a by-your-leave, she would rifle through my kitchen cupboards while I stood in the doorway privately fuming. I'm sure her intentions were good - she wanted to be helpful and kind. I, however, ended up feeling taken over, intruded on and uncomfortably redundant.   From my perspective, her actions took away a small pleasure for me to be the host to a fri

I frequently come across examples of how unprocessed feelings associated with a distressing event or circumstances are passed down...

Most parents go through some tough times when their children move into young adulthood. The family system is put under pressure to accommodate shifts in responsibilities and authority - and such changes, although necessary, can be painful. Usually, a new equilibrium is found that everyone can live with. Sometimes, however, difficulties persist and the relationship between parent and adult child becomes strained and stuck. What can be done? Does Something Need To Change? If t

Many of us are prompted to come to therapy for one of two reasons: when something in our lives goes seriously wrong; or feelings such as anxiety (fear), anger and sadness become overwhelming. The last thing we want is for therapy to make us feel even worse. Getting Over The Hump (So To Speak...!) At first, and also perhaps just before we embark on a major change, spending time in the therapeutic space can feel very uncomfortable. Finally, we find ourselves facing difficulti

I often work with people who come for help dealing with a 'difficult' mother. Many find themselves stuck in an unsatisfactory relationship with their mother and although they might feel a close connection to her - often involving strong feelings - it is not the kind of close connection that they would like. As adults, most of us manage to negotiate a relationship with our mothers which is good enough. Over time, the dynamic between us will ebb and flow and there might be p

We will all face times in our lives when our world is turned up side down and the everyday routine we previously took for granted suddenly disappears. We might be left feeling powerless, confused and anxious. When we are distressed, it can feel very difficult to get the help we need; other people just don't seem to get it. We try harder and harder to regain control of our lives but matters only seem to get worse. What can we do?   When we are feeling anxious - perhaps having

When someone close to us dies, two things have to happen : we need to attend to the - often unfamiliar - feelings that we are faced with; and we need to get on with living our lives. Most of the time, we work through a period of mourning with the support of friends and family. Sometimes, however, grief becomes complicated and we can end up feeling both overwhelmed and stuck. Having somewhere safe to talk things through can help. When Grief Gets Stuck There are many reasons w

How To Talk To A Defensive Person has proved to be the most popular post on this blog. Finding a way to have important conversations with someone who fends off all advances appears to be a subject which touches hearts and minds across all cultures; it's not just a British thing! I've been wondering what leads human beings to become defensive and whether talking about that defensiveness can open up new ways to face the world. Defensiveness As Protection We all get defensive s

When somebody in a family begins to have a problem - e.g. an eating disorder, unexplained illness or difficulty leaving home - it is very easy for everyone else involved to pin the blame on this one person. They are the ones who "should pull themselves together," or "stop upsetting your mother / father". Somewhere along the line we assume that the person in difficulty is solely responsible for what is happening and that 'fixing' their behaviour will solve the problem. A Soci

Nobody wants to stay feeling stuck, sad, angry or confused . All we want is for these feelings to be magicked away - hopefully never to...

In psychotherapy and counselling, we have the opportunity to 'tell our story'  to someone who is able to hear it; someone who can help us think about it in new ways and support us while we are doing so. But what about outside the consulting room? What else can we do to open up our minds to new possibilities for living our lives? Other People's Stories My answer to these questions is to read (or watch, or listen) to other people's stories. In my opinion it's an easy, guilt-fre

Panic attacks commonly bring people to counselling or psychotherapy.  Usually, I am asked how to make them go away. Rather than simply treating the symptoms (e.g. through breathing techniques), I tend to look at the anxiety behind the panic attack as providing a warning or message that something is amiss and that whatever it is needs both your and my attention. What Are Your Rules For Living? As human beings, I believe that we put together a set of personal rules, values and

Choosing a good counsellor or psychotherapist can be a daunting task . How do you know when you have found the right one for you? What...

Recently, I had a call from someone looking for a counsellor . They asked me two perfectly reasonable questions -  "How do you work? And...

In 1968, Stephen Karpman first referred to the Drama Triangle model as a means of describing and analysing human interaction. Karpman's...

Perhaps you know someone who is going through a tough time . You're worried about them and think they could do with some support. You...

Shame. There, I said it . Shame feels horrible. I think of a hot, creeping sensation that sweeps over the body, starting in the face and...

When we are feeling vulnerable, a bit wobbly and everything seems to be going wrong at once a good dose of kindness can go a long way to...

If you were to approach me for help with excessive expression of anger , I would assume you already know that your relationships and / or...